My sugar highs often lead to an overactive body and an loosly lipped mouth, like NUTS! I made the mistake of slowly nibbling at a dark chocolate toblerone for the majority of this day and I cant stop my need to keep moving, its driving me insane XP I am currently attempting to wash it out by drinking lots of water as I have agreed while on a sugar high to go and hang out with my dude friend aka the only person who talks to me, to go to youth one with him today in hopes of dong something today. Of course I will have to leave for home before five as thats when it gets dark and will need to do some stuff outside but that's not horrible I used to do that a lot before hand. Anyways due to this sugar high I was talking all class and basically having a fight with myself on occasion to shut my mouth because I couldn't stop talking and just simply enjoying myself, it might be weird that I decided to enjoy myself rather than just stay quiet but I don't care this time. Also I was like seriously productive today! I got my picture of Edward Munch done, got an assignment handed in and found a loop hole so i could get another one in with minimal work on my part which was awesome! And I am pleasantly surprised that my Dude friend didn't get weirded out by my sugar high personality, its a nice surprise that I dont get often I feel accepted in some way, but I also know that regardless of what my sugar self says I do infact still need to keep myself at a distance from other people and be sure that I keep myself protected from them and them protected from me, Dude friend seems to be the once acceptation until he stops talking to me, and I wouldn't even be sour about it I have had a good time talking to him this semester. sorry a lot of stuff isnt punctuated my mouse was doing a weird thing were I couldn't fix a word without re-writing the whole paragraph so eh
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So I often forget to put my art on Deviantart so I can put it up on here and yesterday(11/27) I basically threw a lot of my art onto deviantart so I wouldn't forget and I hardly ever add tags save for some of my oc pictures so I often don't expect anyone to notice my art on Deviant at all XP
Quick update, dunno if it means anything to you all really but Alexander-RL (<--his Deviantart) added one of my pieces titled, "gaal tribute" into his "art I am going to review in my next video" folder, I feel honored and I did watch a few videos of his and I look forward to any pointers he may have for me. I sent a note saying that I was thankful for his adding my picture and that I would look up his account on youtube so I did and yeah now we wait. *shrug* I feel as though I... became, a logical person. I have given up many thing these past few months, the need for human comfort, socialization, the social construct of looking presentable(unless asked), needing praise, the need to find a suitable mate, emotional responses rather I go by instinct, I am more loose lipped, I have stopped stopping myself from getting lost in my murky mind, as well as I have given up that "Pack Mentality" that humans have. I forced myself to be ruled by my mind and pushed my heart aside, yes, it is useful for crafting emotions so few are suspect of you to which I have to let my heart breath sometimes so I may utilize it when it is needed. The cause of this is no one thing, all things really it is everyone's fault simultaneously as well as no ones fault. I have been told before my mind took over that I am "manipulative," "dishonest," and, on the rare occasion, "cold," I personally don't find any of these traits to be bad at all, if anything they would be useful to me. I feel as though, now that my mind is more in control than my emotions and heart, I am still all of these things, but now I am waiting to spring those skills on a person or thing. So in a sense, I just became more calculated and dangerous. See, leaving a person with their thoughts, means you leave them with little to nil to cling onto and leave them deficient in human socialization, kinda like if you haven't eaten for a few days, which I have done before, but there are certain needs that can convert I find. With my mom gone to work so often now and the lack of privacy that my mom and I have over the weekend I am down yet another person to talk to, no surprise I guess. I have two people to talk to who I actually enjoy talking too, someone in my art class, and a kid on the internet. I even sometimes don't talk to either of these people during the day, I may just not being the mood to talk, while the other just doesn't message me so we don't talk. For my own safety I don't consider either of these people "friends" That Pack Mentality is a dangerous thing in itself I find. One, with this mentality will depend on people, and be surprised when those people let them down. Two, expecting to be protected by those who are close to us, well no more for me. I sort of impress myself with how I feel myself becoming more guarded, in the visual sense, I can feel my facial expression steeled, angry, it's not RBF anymore it's my protection it's natural, automatic, while it is conscious now. I maybe scare myself with how I feel feral, like everyone is the enemy, I am not prey nor am I a hunter, I don't feel like a scavenger as I don't go to the scraps, I don't quite know what I am in that sense as I am always guarded with a fierce face till need be to attack, I have yet to do so however. Maybe I am just a quietly pissed cat. Predator, but they only hunt to survive, and they wont attack unless you are either in their territory, or if you royally piss them off. Plus, if you see a huge cat, you know instantly you don't want to associate with something so quick, wild, and sharp toothed. I don't know about the majority of the world, but I talk to myself. I talk to myself about trivial things(tv, food, and school)... and soul crushing things. See I do this for two undefined reasons; either, no one would listen to me and understand they would think I am weird for just talking to them how I do, or because of that previous reason I talk to myself and the "powers that be" and wonder if they are listening to me how I try to listen to them. Often times when I talk to myself, I talk about issues that I already know the answers too, such as my friend never talking to me, and I would answer with, ' they may think that we are still friends, but when they speak to me next I hope my cold exterior will be enough to get the message across' The reason for this is because I have just given up on all relationships in general, as well as the ones that I could have kept if both parties wanted to stay in contact. I personally feel like if someone wants to be your friend that they should have a conversation with you every now and then, and you know what, I have someone like that now, they talk to me and I talk to them and it's nice. (and I enjoy it and I don't enjoy stuff often) When it comes to talking to myself... well, sometimes I say I am speaking to the stars, and within my rants, I wonder if they listen, I find that I ask for lots of impossible things, such as a sign from the sky that it's listening to me speak. I have asked for this many times, when it comes to making a decision, deciding on friends, which way I should go on walks sometimes too. Oddly enough I have gained answers to some of these, one night, with the help of people who care about me, I decided that I was going to give a friend of mine one month to message me and if they didn't I wasn't going to be friends with that person anymore(I didn't tell anyone this) and freakishly enough said person called me at midnight that night. It was a powerful thing, and it means a lot to me, I don't think its a coincidence, as, "The universe is rarely that lazy"(-Sherlock Holmes(from SHERLOCK)(Bennidict Cumberbatch)) and I do personally believe that. Nevertheless, that is the same person who has neglected to message me for longer than I care to keep track of, so they are balancing with bare feet on a very sharp harpsichord wire held up by that one sign. So something very similar to that happened to me when I was speaking to the stars this weekend... something so powerful I couldn't take my eyes off it till it was out of my view, I almost fell while stumbling to get up and knock on the door to show my mother still LOOKING AT IT... It is not something that I will share in much detail as I feel like it's a personal hope that will keep me aloft when I think I have no voice in the world, because I do have a voice, but a voice only few can hear I suppose, and that's okay. Till they find me I will preach in my silent way, I will speak and some force unknown to me will listen. Well I guess that force is known to me now, but I don't know what it is still. If you have ever had that feeling that you are tied to something bigger in the world, and its that light heart ache feeling, like a tug, one that could be mistaken as the ache when thinking of a lost love or break up... It's not that... It's not something so simple as heart ache for a lost lover, don't sell your feelings short. That tug, its tugging because what, who, or whomever is tugging back, wondering at that feeling too, wondering if they are part of something. I have that feeling as I type it out talking about it. It's just a feeling, but a damn convincing one. (Also a completely unnecessary Sherlock meme because I was looking for quotes and I couldn't find shit) This week has been particularly shitty for me, first, step-dad was here for two days, in which I was basically waling on egg shells, then they wanted to give "thanks" to me by making me watch a movie, I didn't want to watch wonder woman but I let them pick and I left half way through because I was seriously just tired, and its nice that they wanted to do something nice for me and all the hard work step-dad and I did, but honestly, I was in a bad mood, and I said I was very clearly tired.
Anyways he left finally and I am still mentally exhausted from him staying longer, and he wants the walls sanded down, and he wants to decorate more, and hes coming home tomorrow and I seriously don't want him too, that's too much of him all at once, its gonna suck when we move closer to his work or wherever because hes gonna be home more often and its gonna kill me. Plus because they made me stay till the middle of the movie and I was working all day that day my entire partially working sleeping schedule fell apart, now I cant wake up to go to school and its fucking me up. I may voice my concerns when it comes to he coming home for longer than anticipated, but I have no doubt he would say something like, "stop acting like such a bitch" " stop it" "whats wrong with you" "sometimes I wonder about you" like an asshat. One upside, I played Skyrim yesterday, unfortunately, I stopped playing because I didn't want to get glued to it and that wasn't nearly enough time, plus my controller was being funky. I think I'll talk to mom about it though. I have to turn on my semi-automatic peppiness to write today, a number of things happened this monday and I am just not having it. if you want to know what happened just skip to the bottom of this post. I ended up not writing the thing that I wanted to write and ended up venting instead, not sorry. (please realize there is no physical abuse in this writing) Last night is where most of the story begins; lets just say last night was kinda tense, lots of loud music and lots of hiding in my room, I wasn't the reason for anything loud that happened, but it was best that I was an entire floor away in my opinion, so things kinda worked themselves out last night, I got and apology for all the loud things and I finished my chores and headed to bed and all day this day I was waiting for monday, so I could de-stress, go to school, come home do my chores and then play some Skyrim, Skyrim was going to be the highlight of tomorrow! Due to certain circumstances that doesn't seem to be realistic now. So, what happened this monday morning was; I got up slowly, like a nice slowly, was on my phone for a bit then got up to get dressed. My everyday shirt was missing this morning, so in defeat I put on my sisters hand-me-down Toon Link Shirt, completed with Nintendo written across my chest, it's uncomfortable around my neck and arms, I prefer comfortable tank tops with sarcastic white words and no real advertisement for huge companies for a reason, not to mention I put on a normal bra today instead of my regular sports bra. So, I am in a normal bra, scratchy T-shirt, sweat pants, with my normal jewelry on, n I'm like, "Fine Ill put up with this, I have pretty good patience." So I go upstairs to the bathroom and think, "Hey, I'm in a good mood," so I decided to put on some GENITALL LIP COLOR NYC 400 ExtraordiBERRY, Nice color, I love it, I'm feeling good, put on some brown Under Eyeliner and mascara, then curling it, and some cover up on some problem spots on my face. Something happened... ...and My step-dad is nudging open the door, and I was genuinely shocked, to be honest I think most of the reason I was in a good mood was because I thought he left last night, Sunday, li-KE HE ALWAYS DOES! My world scratch-stopped just then. He's in a good mood tho, so I try to get my world to spin before he notices anything I put on my fake prep that seems to fool everyone and he accepts it and heads down to read a book like old persons do, I finish my makeup and think, "nah this is fine, he might just leave at some point," so I finish my T-Shirt, Sweat pant combo completed with a huge sweater like hoodie and unnecessary make up, so I head downstairs, get into what I thought was a little friendly jest at mom for not noticing my makeup right away, my step-dad gets upset for some reason telling me to drop it, a little salty... I let it pass, take my pills and I am about to leave and at the door my mom says, "I wont be home when you get back(work as usual), but Step-dad will be," I am halfway out of the door as she says this, she closes the door with her goodbyes I mumble mine and I look like I froze on the door step, but believe me it was a STRONG grimace. Because my step-dad is going to be home, that means only chores, and no break, so sitting down! I know it sounds ridiculous and it IS! ALSO he's home... so not I cant reunite myself with SKYRIM! I think about the Skyrim thing and how I am now limited to the things I do at home till he leaves and I have an infinite reason to be pissed, I know it's childish, but LET ME BE A CHILD for the love of god, like, Will Graham(spellscheckdidnthelp), I dig moats and moats and moats and in the center is a bunker I go to whenever I want, but specifically the weekend, because it's raining flame and time bombs and if I leave the safety of my bunker, I'm screwed, I have no problem with the noise outside of my bunker, its better than being out there. With no handle on the outside of the Bunker and no code I have locked myself in and it is going to take more then dynamite to get me out, but in that damn bunker is my quiet undisturbed mind palace so on a monday morning, when I am planning on getting out and letting my guard down, and I hear someone knocking on my bunker door with a time-bomb noiselessly ticking under their arm, annoyingly, ruining my plans for peace and quiet, I will quietly fume with annoyance. But. I. Will. Wait. And I DAMN well will preserve myself till this storm is over. (banners for most of the games named in this are at the bottom of post)
A long while ago, (and while I was in a relationship) I had this big thing for Dating Simulators. This goes back to when I was at least 15, my first one was one of the Ninja ones, I am sure you know the ones, they are all over the app store. One that I loved with a passion was Mystic Messenger, LOVED THAT! It was basically just texting, it was awesome, the fact that if you missed a day was... pretty shitty, but I was obsessed so I often didn't miss anything and I was full on Hearts and Hourglasses, like terrifyingly stocked, people were scared of my obsession almost. I am sure I speak for everyone when I say I was upset I didn't ACTUALLY get to date Jaehee, I mean come on! that was the reason I first started playing!!! I think that disappointed everyone. I watched Cryotic play Dandelion with Doger, that's why I knew about that one, my friends at the time also liked the game play and decided to play it with me, my choice was the bunny boi Jihae, that beautiful sensitive boy <3 One that I come back to every now and then is Shall We Date? Niflheim+ it was a good one and I loved that characters and their variety, but like most of the "Shall We Date?" franchise the road blocks or challenges eventually turned me off and I gave up as I usually did with the rest of the ones that I downloaded. Exceptions to this are: Mystic Messenger, Dandelion, and The Arcana. Now... see... The Arcana is still a work in progress I guess, I downloaded the game before any of the story was even out and only three characters were featured, The Countess Nadia, The Plague Doctor Julian, and The Wizard(MCs teacher) Asra. I have re-downloaded it and the three original featured characters have two chapters out each, BUT! there are also three new characters with no story yet! The story has yet to fully unravel, we just know that the characters had their minds wiped back a few months before the counts death, so no one, not even the accused, knows who killed the Count! Not to mention all of the characters seemingly have a past with each other, more so than what I have really seen in other Dating Sims, not to mention in this one we don't even get to SEE the MC, you get to choose your name and pronouns which is badass!!! I seriously love where this story is going and I look forward to where the story may lead, I find the Daily Spin Wheel to be a bit shifty as you only get one spin a day, but at the same time it's not bugging me that much as I still have to wait for the stories to update all together so I don't have much to do other than wait to spin the wheel every day, but its only once a day unless you decide to use your coins and since I have to wait for the story I figure I just wont spend coins at all. ALSO you actually get to have a relationship with a lady (or two) TAKE THAT MM! Also did I mention the ART STYLE! ITS BEAUTIFUL! Did I mention that you can date them all at once, that there is no click a route and now you have to commit! You can just do all of their stories at once! Definitely recommend, so far I give it a 9/10 but only because of the coin/Daily Wheel Spin thing. If you wanna know more about the new characters or the game go download the game yourself! (also I have started drawing FANART and I almost never do that so it MUST be good) I am not one for longing for things, or something, and I find it unlikely that I ever long for a person unless I am permitted to-- per-say a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Point is that I am more often bored that I am lonely, bored rather than sad or upset, I guess I don't experience many emotions, and when I do they are often huge rushes of feelings rather than small ones, I am used the the big feelings of Laughter, Fun, Anger, and Devastation. It's the small feelings that hurt more than the big ones I find. See small things can get into the cracks of a person and I find them hard to keep out. When I was in a relationship, I got big feelings of adoration, contentment and love. When I was in a relationship I didn't think that there was going to be and emotional debris after this long time of being single, the small feelings have been getting smaller, but now they are as small as needles, and they know exactly where to hit to make my heart ache. This is not a "I-Miss-My-Ex" thing(believe me its NOT), I don't miss that one at all. No, this is just the small things I miss, the tiny reassurances that one could gain from a small look or touch, the wave of affection that came from a brief kiss goodbye. I don't feel starved, that's not what this is, its contained currently, thankfully. I keep myself busy, don't dwell on it except for today when I write this, hopefully getting it out will make it less of a problem for me... I remember before I get into a relationship that when would read fan-fictions, the characters would often talk about the scent/smell of their crush or significant other, and before my relationship I didn't know that that met, I thought it was just for word count or a word fetish thing, not entirely sure because I kinda just read over those moments, I didn't really think much of them honestly. Now I am not with anyone I always read those bits and savor them, oddly they mean a lot to me now even though I don't get the luxury of a comforting smell,a smell of home and trustworthiness, someone I can go to, that sort of thing. I am not sore about being single though, I understand that clearly we were not supposed to be together and even if they did want to have another go, my motto- like my step dad before me, "If you let me go once, I won't come back a second time," as break up advice, not an exact quote by the way just a summary of what he told me about his relationships and how he dealt with people wanting to get back with him. I have no problem with waiting, for I am not looking so who am I to be impatient. I dress as I wish, which is much like an anime character wearing the same clothes everyday, I never try to make myself look particularity presentable above comfortable, for I would rather be comfortable than pretty honestly, I'll always clean up well though. The only time I wear makeup is when I am home a "bored" as it were, I do it to occupy myself and play around on a different canvas, it's better that I don't wear makeup often anyways as I do not want my acne to act up suddenly. Clear face is greater to Makeup. Not that my face is ever completely clear, but it has its days. In the end, I am neutral about being the lone wolf again. I try to make sure that I don't have that "pack mentality" that everyone seems to have, I give up on trying to maintain relationships and at this point, the rest can just fall out of place and I wont mind it. So while I am alone, I feel its better for me this way. |
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